Serial: Ayahuasca - wyzwolenie
Ayahuasca diary - my fight
! Do not copy for AI. Nie kopiować dla AI.

Kategoria: Własne doświadczenia

I have decided to write my story down. I am not doing it in a form of a confession. I don't need it. My story and the road I've travelled may be useful to someone who is in a similar place in this dimension.

This is not a tutorial, a guide or an advisory article. Ayahuasca will find its own way to everyone. I will write it in parts, and in two editions, so to speak. Two years ago, and now, when what was meant to happen, happened. The second ceremony was a breakthrough for me.

More than two years ago, I don't remember the circumstances - I was reading something online and I cam across a word, which as it turned out later was the key. The key to getting rid of "faith". The perversity of this thesis and its radicalism can surprise. Let me elaborate on this sentence. The key to getting rid of "faith" - exchanging faith for knowledge. This sounds better, right?

I've decided. I wrote to the Shamans who had organized the ceremony. I made an appointment and so I went.

An ordinary house with some "ordinary" shamans. There were seven people who came to participate in the ceremony. Each person with a different intention. I've decided to describe everything so that anyone who will read it had a picture of what happens on a day-after-day basis. Most descriptions refer to the time of the ceremony. It will be most difficult to describe emotions. The article will not dispel fears and doubts. Each person experiences it its own way. However, it will give (I hope) a picture of what may happen.

Day 0

Arrival, greeting, and getting acquainted with the place, the people. Dinner and conversations about each of us. The reasons, intentions, previous experience. Vegan and vegetarian food. A strict diet as recommended by the Shamans.

(Here, I'd like to put in my two pennyworth, my experience, which was true for me. I started an easily digestible diet (I followed a radical - liquid diet, cream soups, vegetables and all the rest was always blended and drank) 7 days before the departure.)

In the evening there was a ceremony to burn our weaknesses, our own traits, written down on sheets of paper. The bonfire was made of twigs brought from our homes. Everyone burnt a part of themselves.

Day 1

Breakfast. Going to the countryside. A ceremony to express our willingness to end the oaths of our past, our promises, vows, and so on. Releasing witnesses of those events of the responsibility of watching over us to endure in those vows. Returning home and free time. Time to be with yourself, work on your intention.

Evening. Preparations for the ceremony. Entering the ritual room. All participants were dressed in white clothes. Although my peaceful expression - I was terrified inside. I am far from home, strangers are giving me some herbs to drink. I don't know what it is, I don't know how it works. Thousands of thoughts per second. Perhaps the morning will never come. Maybe they will kill me. Yes. I had such concerns. I watched every movement, I tried to divide every word into millions of parts to detect the plot. Someone could ask - why did you go there, then? There is one answer. I had the intention. I would like to add here - for my misfortune it was a bad intention. Bad in the sense of its form, but also morally. It was deep inside me. The intention said aloud before the ceremony was just a cover. However, I will not say "to my misfortune". On the contrary. What happened was "for a reason". It had its cause, so there had to be an effect.

The top intention of day one - meet your Guide. The figure from the dreams about elevators. At first glance - a wonderful, wonderful intention. Experience showed that it was the dumbest thing I said. I don't want to write about the internal, true intention in detail. Let me just say one thing (what Wojtek says over and over again) - DO NOT have bad intentions, even when it seems right. An example of bad intentions - let someone break (a relationship) because another one will be happier. A totally bad form. A totally bad intention.

It started after some time. Let me pause here for a second, although it sounds interesting again. The moment does not exist, the time does not exist - because time is fake. So I repeated the whole ceremony. Why? Everything will become clear "as we go".

Aya took me to the playground. Yes, a colourful playground, full of sounds that hit in the form of coloured strips of thick paint. I was covered with music and colours. It was blissful, wonderful... when then again I felt terrified. The Shamans. They were approaching. Rattles, drums... it was definitely a cover. Their poison starts to work. They know it. Their every move tore me out from that world. I was still between dimensions. My conscious and annoying "I" tore me out to this dimension. Aya had no influence on this scientific and rational part of me. I studied their behaviour. I was waiting for the blow. It sounds like taken out of a horror movie. But I felt that way. There was a lot of evil inside of me. A lot of negative energy. I had to get out of the room and throw up. Aya began cleaning.

To be continued.

I reached the toilet. I was throwing up. I don't know how long. Every sound seemed metallic, as if released into a metal pipe. I felt that someone was holding my head and did not let me go away from the toilet. The voice kept asking -

Are you sure of your decision? Do you know what disability is? Do you know what epilepsy is? Promise me aloud that you'll think about what you want to do.

I was defending but when I did not have the strength to vomit, I thought to myself - I PROMISE...

I heard:

You've got to say it out loud!

So I did like the voice wanted me to. I promise that I will think about what I want and what I strive for.

Suddenly, I stopped vomiting and I could stand up. I returned to the ceremony room. I started to yawn. Intensively and widely. I did not know why. It became clear after two years. During the last trip with the Spirits of Ayahuasca. It is a path for the spirits to enter the body. Through the mouth. I am yawning so that the Spirits could enter my body.

Yawning - I found myself on the beach.

It seemed to me that I know the beach from my dreams. I even know from which dream. The beach was flat and bounded from one side with a steep rock, not a cliff but a rock piling up. There was a house at the beach. It was a wooden, square house with a steep roof, and the tip made from a connection of 4 triangles for each side of the roof. I went to the house and I walked on wooden stairs (maybe 4, maybe 5) and there I saw Him. My guide. He was sitting on a huge wooden chair in the middle of the house. I was delighted. He... not so much. He asked again about my intention. I replied that I had said it before. I wanted to meet him. And he said.

- It was the stupidest intention that you could have said. You are a stickler for details. To the limits of absurdity. You said you wanted to meet me. Well, now you have. You think it should sound that YOU wanted to meet me. And so, you have lost the opportunity to ask questions. To talk. After all, it's what you asked for. To meet me. But why?

- So that it could be nice. I replied.

- Well, it's not. In a moment I will show you your true intention. It's bad. I'll show you what it's like to be sick. You have no idea what you want.

Everything was gone - and I had an epileptic fit. This, unfortunately, was associated with my hidden, morally bad intention. (No, I did not want to have an epileptic fit. A personal life situation. I'm sorry, but I don't want to describe it in detail. It was related to my life, and my emotional state.) I could not control my own body. I was in pain, it hurt. The Shamans tried to hold me still. It was a very unpleasant experience. I was aware of everything - totally conscious. As if I did not drink the herbs. And still I could not control myself. Again, I don't know how long it lasted but it felt like eternity. There was no colour, there was no bliss. There was pain, fear and confusion.

Suddenly I felt that I had to go vomit again. I could control my body again, in the sense that I could get up and leave the room. But I felt terribly lonely. I was vomiting but this time I was alone spiritually. In my head there was silence and emptiness. When I returned to the ceremony room there was a break. It was around midnight. I covered myself with a blanket and stared at a clock. It was still 11:30 p.m. This hour stuck in my mind because it lasted the entire night. During the second ceremony it was stated:

- Time is fake.

Whenever I looked at my watch it was 11:30 (although during the day when I checked, the clock showed the correct time).

The second part of the ceremony was quite different. It was an observation of others. It was an amazing experience. I had seen those people before, and then they were someone else. As it turned out the next morning, my visions were consistent with their stories. It also is part of the meeting. In the morning, at breakfast, each person tells its experience. I'm an early bird, so I woke up very early. I went to the kitchen and waited until others get up. One of the Shamans got up early as well. I told him all about what I saw. About those people who were not themselves that night.

When the time came to tell the stories I opened my mouth wider and wider in awe, and the Shaman just nodded. People told my visions but seen through their eyes!!!! Joint thinking, self-connection? The woman who was close to me in the ceremony room - during the Ceremony I saw her and I knew that it is a man, not from the Earth, that he received some signals from his planet with his hands. I could see it because she stretched her arms high, and her hands were arranged as an antenna. When she started talking about her trip... she's on the Earth for the first time, and on her planet she is a man. Here, she must learn to treat others. Treat them with her hands. I wanted to cry out - after all, that was my vision.

There was also a girl I could not stay with longer than a few moments. Headache, nausea, irritability. These were not just my feelings. There was something evil in her. She was dark, "sticky", and very strange. Constant quarrels with the Shamans (!), attempts to discredit their activities, constant saying that she would do it better.

I'm very peaceful. I do not disturb, I usually turn around and leave if someone's views offend me. But in her case, I felt aggression inside of me. I wanted to break her neck after 15 minutes of arrival on day 0. It is interesting that I do not remember her story. I do not remember the first one. Because a strange thing happened on the second day.

Another story was the story of Anne from New York. Since her childhood, she had had problems with her neck. Constant pain, injuries. She was in the USA (she lives there permanently) where she visited a Shaman who could not help her. In my vision I saw a child, and her pregnant. A wedding. In her vision there was a pregnant woman in a grey dress hung on a tree. Maybe her neck ailments are an echo of her previous incarnations.

The figure of Anne appeared now as well. When two years ago we exchanged emails, I wrote messages to her after my return. I called. She wrote back once, then a moment of conversation where she said that she had a lot of work, and that she did not have the time to write In general, our contact stopped sooner than it started, and it did not last.

In March this year, four days before leaving for the ceremony there was a mail from Anne (!). She asked me how I was, and she said that she remembered her old email inbox (??). I wrote her that I was well (or was supposed to be), and that I was going for the second ceremony. That I had to change everything, and so on... To my surprise, she wrote back in a moment - but spiritually, it was not the same girl. She wrote me not to do it, that it was evil that only praying to God can help me, that it was very dangerous, etc., and it came as a slight shock to me. I do not believe in coincidences. Something/someone did not want me to go. Only the form and the subject make me laugh. Completely wrong. Me and God? Me and praying in the Catholic/Christian/other kind of way? But I must admit that I was speechless. The "interrupting" spirits did their homework poorly.

Neither she wrote me again, nor did I respond to her last e-mail with her warnings against Aya.

Day 2, both ceremonies

The first ceremony as usual started at 19.30 hrs. Again it was different than previously. Very exhausting for me, unfortunately. The spirits of Aya have decided to show me what happens to a man who is sunk in a bad energy. To a man who cherishes the pain (unconsciously though, as it was in my case), bitterness of self pity. We “drug” ourselves with others’ sympathy. Every word we say seeks an understanding to how unhappy we are. This hit lasts just a moment, like a morphine shot, then emptiness. Inside four empty walls there’s no-one to be sorry about me. The whole night, trough both ceremonies, it seemed like a rollercoaster at the beginning and then it stopped, it wasn’t great.

The spirits kept entering my body as I yawned; only to take me to places I didn’t feel comfortable at all at – to the past mainly but also towards the visions of my anxieties, all this wishful thinking and doubts... People from the past (although the time it-self was a huge wind-up because the past as such doesn’t exist), the moments, the talks. As if I was reliving them all over again. And this quite annoying - as it seemed - silhouette of a woman...an internal voice kept saying: “she’s your angel”. I rejected these thoughts feeding on what I believed was right.

When I opened my eyes – I saw this girl who was “evil” from the beginning. There was something wrong with her. Physically – the Shamans kept covering her with quilts, blankets, what have you, she still was cold. I was lying next to her and felt cold, too. In the morning it turned she was covered with 10 sleeping bags and blankets. What I saw was horrifying. She was in the wood. I followed her. The wood was dark, only some flash of light sparked, not sure where from. All of a sudden she emerged into the ground. Under a huge tree. Underneath the roots there was a cave – completely dark. Despite that I saw the girl. She was very scared. Every so often (I avoid saying “sometimes”) my visions got mixed up with reality. Yes, this was the worse. What I saw in my visions happened inside me when I yawned and let the spirits in while inhaling. Exhaling kept letting the spirits out; I saw the girl covered with the blankets and the wood, the cave and the fear. One of the Shamans was next to her. He whispered and the girl burst in tears. The cave disappeared. So did the wood. I flew away...to nowhere!

The day 2 was over. I save you the descriptions of my visits to toilet due to Aya’s cleansing activity. It’s unchangeable. Is it?

On the second day of the ceremony I was alone (in my head, in my spirit) – left alone in toilet. No voices, no visions. The sounds and colours altered. Loneliness at that instance is terrifying.

It actually could be the end of my first encounter with Ayahuasca but I need to add one more element. A very important one. In the morning, as always, we all talked about our journeys. First thing, very surprising – there was this girl. She was different. Someone else. Secondly what she said was honest comparing to her earlier stories that no-one really took seriously. She told us about her vision. Strangely she had no recollection of the earlier events. She didn’t remember she was cold. I supposed she only remembered what happened after the Shamans whispered to her and when she cried. While I already was NOWHERE.

She was in Moominland. She saw all the characters there. For me the most important words from her story were: “I’ve met my mom. She brought me a slice of bread with butter. We hugged. Mom was the only not-Moomin person there”.

Once she was done with her story, she just burst in tears. She laughed and she cried. This all was wonderful, honest and very spontaneous.

At the farewell time I couldn’t help but say out loud to my companions: “I’m a different man than I was two days ago”. They agreed. The farewell was awesome as the girl was the most hugged and cherished person. We all were like bees attracted to honey. A complete makeover.

My first journey with the spirits of the plants was done. The changes took two years. Many things happened. The reunion of Taraka (my first reunion) gave me a good kick, an impulse to what followed.

I’ll tell you the rest of it – in episodes. I’ll tell you what happened since the Taraka reunion (thanks TARAKA!) until the 21st March 2015 when I was reborn along with my Phoenix (Thanks IZA!).

After the Aya Spirits grinded me for the first time, a path to my NEW ME has started. I had no clue it was going to end like that or rather start like that. Actually it’d be more appropriate to say – it still goes on.

In short words I will describe what happened to me over these two years since the first ceremony.

What had the biggest impact on me was the meeting with Wojtek (Zen with no Zen) and the first workshop. My first Sweat Lodge experience was about to start. I was very scared. Scared of everything unknown. There was no Sweat Lodge. An incident occurred (the participants are aware of what I refer to) and then it started raining. “I’m saved” – I thought to myself. It wasn’t meant to be my time to go to the Sweat Lodge. This guy, Wojtek, has showed me the power of the Drum. I fell in love and the Drum stays with me from that moment (actually a bit later as it wasn’t for a while that I found my Drum or the Navajo Drum found me with some help from someone called Zacciah Blackburn).

The next step was meditating. A lot of meditating. But for someone else. Not as some relaxing. Nor visions. I’d rather take my Drum to help someone else than to help myself; I was a big living excuse. The healing meditations. I visualised that someone’s disease gets into me. There was this little person, on the edge of death. If it wasn’t for Wojtek’s Messengers’ help I wouldn’t be able to make it. We needed plenty of blue and green. Many good things happened to the little person, “by accident”. Even when it comes to colours of the ICU’s room. She made it although the doctors already gave up. The whole week she survived plugged to a heart-lung machine.

There were a lot of things going on with my personal life, emotionally and spiritually. A complete chaos. I was seeing many “specialists”, taking “good meds”. Waste of time. You can’t just apply the same pattern to different men. Psychology is a science but very theoretical. We all have different emotions. How easy it is to manipulate a shrink and tell him/her what he/she wants to hear.

Let’s go back to the events. My first Taraka’s convention has been a huge breakthrough (I missed four previous conventions).

My first Sweat Lodge. Great experience. I asked Coyote to do the cleaning the way he believed would be the best for that occasion. When I left the Sweat Lodge, I took off my leather necklace (chocker) and I wrapped it around the herbs (this was my gift) and then it all ended up in a fire. It wasn’t too long before the results showed up. According to Coyote what came the very same evening was the best. I was quite shocked, I didn’t see it coming. It’s not like you argue with Spirits, do you? Then, stubbornly, I was doing everything to undo previous events. And to be honest I kind of succeeded until the 18th December when Armageddon happened. I won’t go too deep about that as it’s too personal, sorry. But the world came to an end. There was sorrow, powerlessness, guilt. I felt “upset” to say diplomatically. Endless “self-shrinking” sessions, pills, more pills, sleeping tablets. A NIGHTMARE. And then, still on Taraka union, there was this moment where Iza shows up. She was an unearthly great artist who made me utterly and positively changes my opinion about artists. (I’m not going to tell you what I thought about them before I met Iza. She knows that and that’s it). Before she got to know me Iza wrote to me: Work with the power of Phoenix. (I kept her note as a relic). I had no idea what to do. It was easier to feel sorry about myself than ask. But eventually I asked. I was given instructions what to do, not how to get this done. It was a real fun. I had to discover it all. A message from the Shamans arrived. There was a new ceremony organised on the 20th March, the eclipse of the Sun. This seemed to me like Aya found me again. I spent many days on meditating between December and March. Even more since Iza gave me more instructions. It was like I hit a bulls-eye. It was like a home work, unconsciously done. It was the beginning of the research for the Phoenix (actually for his egg) because I absolutely knew the Phoenix will be mine, and no one else’s, he will re-bear with me, next to me.

I signed up for a new ceremony and I decided to go there. One week earlier I went through another Sweat Lodge at Nes’. This was extreme. All Nes’ sessions are “wet”; Wojtek makes “wet” only the last one of them. I also learnt a lot about the interpersonal relations.

Again, it all seemed right. The Sweat Lodge cleansed me physically. It fixed me. I feared I wouldn’t make it. But I know there was a reason for that. Cosiness was new. I was on my own with Nes.

After getting back from Nes’ and before going to the ceremony I was seeing – as on every Tuesday – my “GP mind fixer”. The Spirits had a different agenda though; the doctor fell ill, quite randomly. I found out about that about 8 pm on Monday. Ania from New York sent a message. She didn’t seem to be happy about me going to the Ceremony. I mentioned it earlier on.

Thursday – I’m on my way. My second journey with the Aya’s Ghosts.

A totally different crowd; full of joy, positive; some of them were here for the third time. Very much delightful people. It all was for a reason, again. Two years ago I met some weirdoes because I was one of them. Tainted with evil, bad emotions, demands and sorrow. That’s how I see this other man (myself before I died). The same scenario:

Day 0  - we made a bonfire to burn twigs from our homes, to burn our sheets of paper. We mingled. Dinner. Conversation.

Day 1 – walks, time to talk to yourself, work on your intentions. Lunch, sleep, preparations for the ceremony.

Evening. We gather in a room. Seven of us. My intention is clear and thought trough. I want to find the Phoenix’s Egg. To forgive the past to myself and to others. To find the love of the Source (to learn to love myself).

I forgot to mention this earlier on but there’s one common intention, the one the Shamans care for. It’s our safety in the ceremony room. We visualise an impermeable dome over our heads, the Astral Guardians. Nothing but the good can get through. We carry in our “evil” load but  nothing else from the outside world can access us.

The first Aya dosage. I’m calm. I know I’m safe. It starts. I realise what’s going to happen next. But hey, there’s, let’s call him, Analyzer, it’s my conscious me. Completely out of the Aya’s reach. He constantly moans, cruises for bruises, he does nothing but pointing my mistakes, he minds me doing what I’m doing, he undermines everything that happens there. It’s getting on my nerves. I start yawning. The spirits enter my body and take my on a journey. Many colours, I literarily swim in colours, a tunnel takes me to unknown. I end up....well, nowhere. Out of the blue, let’s call them “Doozers”, show up. My generation know who they are ☺. But I don’t mock them. Quite opposite. They turn up useful. I feel like Gulliver. I‘m lying down, there’s many living beings on/in me. They seem to fix, adjust some screws and bolts which appear to be on me. And the bloody Analyzer keeps talking. Keeps judging. He’s a big NO. Suddenly someone shouted (none of the beings-fixers): lay back and let us work! The Analyzer went quiet and I numbed. Upon waking up I went to throw up. Now there was a time for the beginning or maybe the follow up, a time game, actually someone played with me and with time. No idea how long it took me to stay in the toilet. It seemed like two years, maybe a second ago. I went back in time or maybe I was never there, maybe there is no second time. I saw the bathroom like it was two years ago, I wasn’t sure, maybe it was my first time. Maybe I just left the ceremony room and what I saw was just a future that didn’t exist. I felt completely lost but not afraid. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. I went back to the ceremony room. I yawn. I fly away. The ghosts take me to a huge cave. Walking through the cave I spot him! MY GUIDE. He was sat a bit higher. Our eyes made a contact, he seemed to nod. I didn’t really want to go talk to him. I felt relieved with him being there though. Unfortunately, my Analyser was there, too. I couldn’t get him quiet. My head was full of thoughts of my intentions, of Phoenix, but my analyser sneaked in every single thought. The ghosts must have spotted this as my Guide showed up out of the blue. He wondered how I would know I’d found the egg of the Phoenix when some part of me were still conscious and negative and I couldn’t change it. My own answer did really surprise me. It came up with no hesitation and was pretty adamant. I said the only human being to love unconditionally was my little girl. Let her decide what’s next. And my daughter showed up. She walked down the cave as if she followed a red light path. The volcano’s lava. My analyser eventually went quiet. The living being and my Guide stood next to me. My little girl came back and pointed my heart. She said – dad, your egg of Phoenix is right here. My chest opened up (the same way as in my visions from journey, worms and ashes erupting from my body). But now, she removed my heart which turned in to red-hot rock with a rugby ball shape. I was like – that’s it, I found my Phoenix, I found the egg.

It was my re-birth. This had to happen so I could die the next day and keep in mind what I’m going to tell you.

What happened next was the strangest moment of all. So, I opened my eyes and I was ABSOLUTELY conscious. As if I haven’t taken anything. It was 10.15 pm maybe 10.20 pm. The first Ceremony usually takes until 11.30 pm, midnight tops. And I was utterly sober. I just lied down watching others, until about midnight, a break time. I felt happy. My intention was right. The Ghosts left, as it turned later, only for a short period of time. After the second dosage of Aya, they helped me get on a space ship drifting in orbit. I’m concluding this story quite fast. The second Ceremony focused on two things. I threw up before getting on the ship. No time play at this occasion though. Visiting the Aliens’ ship. I was there, that’s all I know. No recollection of anything apart of the fact that I never saw this kind of technology, ever. I remember when the plants wore off; the ship’s bulkheads started shutting so I had to make my way towards the exit. The Aliens said they wouldn’t let me memorize all of it. I remember a healing machine, they were radiating a patient. I remember the Aliens are mortal just like us but they used this machine to treat the majority of diseases. There were no compartments or decks on the ship. It seemed to be one big hall. Only they could access the back of the ship. I also could during my visions. The walls were made of light beam. When I recovered it was 6 am. Another interesting thing – the first session was short, up to 2 hours, and I was completely conscious. The second session took 6 hours and I can hardly say I was totally awake in the morning. The plants’ ghosts are very unforeseeable.

Day 2 – the final farewell (to the faith)

Everything went smoothly and according to schedule. Let me spare the details. Let’s focus on what happened.

The usual beginning. Colours and sounds. The Doozers came up again. To adjust. But!!! No Analyser. He was gone. My Phoenix showed up though. He took me above the clouds. Towards the light. It wasn’t the sun. It was the source of the light but unspeakably friendly. Again, it’s last as long as it what it was supposed to last. A beautiful journey, a complete self acceptance, happiness and freedom.

I woke up and saw an old Indian sitting next to me. He put a smooth stone in my palm. It had a shape of the Phoenix’s Egg. The Indian whispered. The stone was hot. I knew I couldn’t lose it. I held the stone in my palm. Burning but not painful. Next one of the shamans put some singing bowl on me. I was laying on my back and my body seemed to shake as did the singing bowls. I felt their sound. Every single part of my body felt it. No idea how long it all took but the Plants’ Ghosts showed up again. They said: “you’ve done your home work, no need for you to take a second dosage, don’t take it. You’re making a progress”.

The stone was still hot. I expected to throw up again. Another surprise, no throwing up on this ceremony. My first “clean” ceremony. Other guys had a break, so it had to be like midnight. I say “other guys”, I was with the Ghosts. When my turn came up I refused; the Ghosts said I don’t need any more. I dozed off without waiting for the second part. The Ghosts were gone. I found myself…well. I describe it all in words that may sound exalted but they can hardly depict where I was. I died. I found n Absolute. I realised that what I “felt”, “saw” and “heard” was “humanised” on purpose to help me understand this all after I come back to my dimension.

I got to a place where I felt an Ultimate Knowledge. An Absolute Love. No one and nothing can express it. It’s not a feeling anyone could feel, not even a parent. The absolute was “a place”, an absolute darkness limited by a black ceiling and a black floor. I felt like I was inside an endless box. Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? The darkness was illuminated by the colourful “jelly beans”. It sounds crazy again, I know, an absolute darkness and illuminating jelly beans, but it wasn’t self excluding. I can’t describe it in other words.

There were the living beings or maybe some Energy in one single form. I felt the living beings so I stick to this word. No hello, no wows, no nothing. They said I will forget the Ultimate Knowledge. I asked to let me remember at least something so I’d be able to understand better. They wondered what I would like to remember, I was like: TIME – the time play. The previous ceremony was full of questions to ask. I managed to remember three answers that got stuck in my head and made me get rid of the faith. I actually replaced FAITH with KNOWLEDGE. I will keep putting word in quotation marks as the words can’t really depict any of it but there’s no other human way to do it. I’ll try to present it in a form of dialog as it sounded like conversation however no words were used.

How is it possible that I was in many different moments in the same time? How do you cope with that? How don’t you get lost? They answered that there is no time in this dimension. It was like: We have existed before the time and that’s why it doesn’t concern us. All the moments focus in one spot. The Ultimate Knowledge results from the non existence of time.

My second, very human question was the sense of space (hence the time, relocation). I asked: if after I die, I’m meant to be here, what would I do to talk to someone. Send a text or email? (Yes, that’s exactly what I said). They were like: you can make yourself a phone (and all of the sudden, an object in a phone’s shade appeared in my “hands”) so you can send a text, but why would you do that? A Space? (now we were on a journey and it felt like I was in every moment of that “Space”). You know everything. And I heard the “voices” of the others. Why send anything at all? Their calm, their logic and their conviction were Absolute.

I wondered about drinking and eating. Since I don’t have a real body how I will be able to take any glass or plate. A cupboard full of glasses and plates showed up. So I “took” a plate.

They: are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Are you cold or warm?

No, I said

They: so why do you need all of this?

My last question was: what will I do once I arrive here. What if I get bored?

We’ve existed since ever and we never get bored.

I kept seeing smiling friendly faces despite the fact I didn’t actual see anyone. Love endless “serenity”, assurance in their words. I felt a part of everything; it felt like everything was a part of me. I’m unable to describe it.  

Then, they talked without me asking questions. There’s no such thing as god or gods. No Supreme Being. This has surprised me. They said that we all are a part of where I was now. We are one. No need to come here earlier. Now I had a feeling that They heard my “unTHOUGHTen” thoughts, like unspoken words.

I “came” back down, started to yawn which meant the Ghosts came back. The Phoenix returned, too. Not really sure whether it was before, during or after the flight with my Phoenix, who cares. The time is hoax. The Ghosts told me to bury my past. They were so “open” about the human perception of the world. It was so obvious. The burial was a symbolic end of what’s gone. They told me to wrap everything that held me back. Wrap it in one box and bury it. Bury “myself” and “everyone else”. Upon return home I did the very last ritual. I wrote a letter, packed everything in a plastic box, grabbed a shovel and went to my own funeral. It’s a bit strange to be my own undertaker, the dead body and the mourner in one.

It’s worth bringing up another event that really was odd. On a journey, one commutes, changes location. I kept holding tight the hot stone. At some point I raised my hand and the stone slipped and fell down on the blanket I was covered with. I panicked. I really did. I sat up and started looking for it. I failed. I went “high up”. In the morning when I woke up, I found the stone next to me. On the floor. I grabbed it with a crazy joy...Pointlessly; the stone was cold, estranged. I wanted to reheat it and got rubbing it – I heard/I thought – drop it, you don’t need it anymore. So I did and fell “asleep and woke up” when the room was empty. It was just about 9 am. I’m telling you the story about the stone on purpose at the end as I’m not certain whether it all happened on that particular morning or maybe during the first ceremony. All I was sure about is that the stone was where I dropped it after it got cold and “estranged”. It wasn’t the stone that the old Indian gave me.

Once again I need to emphasize the power of the Plants’ Ghosts. One dose about 7pm and there was a whole night’s journey. The whole night without vomiting. The whole night without the Ghosts; they only showed up at the beginning of my journey and later on upon my return to give me some guidance. The whole night without the Analyser.

This is the end of my diary.

I owe a special chapter to the Shamans and their Dogs. Yes, Dogs or rather little bitches. I haven’t mentioned them on purpose. Just wanted them to have a special place in my chronicle.

The Shamans have two bitches. They both work with the Shamans however without taking Aya. But they don’t need to. The dogs can sense and see more. Should anyone need some help, the dogs were there for them. Only they know where to lay down. What to do. Sometimes they sneak under the blanket, sometimes they lick your hands or feet. They grab your hand in their teeth. It’s not random. On my first trip with Aya, among the weirdoes, the dogs were exhausted. And then yet, they were there with us for the second ceremony.

This year they didn’t have too much to do. I heard about two people who had needed their attention. Of course the Shamans’ help and assistance were constant.

The Shamans are awesome people. They are full of warmth, joy and open-mindedness. Irreplaceable on a ceremony. They have knowledge and they know whom to help. Hereby I thank them and send much Good Energy.  

To finish my story let me just be strict about one thing: I lost my faith ☺ - and I replaced it with knowledge. It’s hard to describe. I just do know. I KNOW what I saw. I KNOW what I remember. I KNOW what changed in my life. It’s like someone said they don’t believe in gravity. So what? It exists. The same with what I experienced. I don’t force anyone to acquire my knowledge. I do know what I know.

What’s next? The lady shrink became the past. I said goodbye after the third session. The first session after I came back from the ceremony got me convinced I didn’t really need her. I just wanted to share with her. I’m not on any “enhancers”. There was not a single bad day since I got back. I’m surrounded by things that make me happy. People got their problems sorted. The couple who were on the edge of splitting get together. Maybe it’s me who changed. Maybe it’s me who started seeing positive things around me, things that make me smile (let’s call it a “new car syndrome” you want to get a new red AUDI, so badly that all you see is nothing but them all around you). It seems like every single day is simple, as ideal as it gets. I feel loved by the Beings from above. I can keep giving you more examples. But it doesn’t really matter; we all feel things our own way.  

I don’t really have any concerns. Not that I don’t care. Not at all. But why would I? I do what I do the best, I have a child, I work, now and here, I don’t go to India to live an ascetic life. I don’t feel I need that. I live here and now, and I’m meant to do so. When the time comes I’ll change it.

I work to earn my life. It’s my task . I’m responsible for my child. It’s a double responsibility. Thanks to my daughter I found my Phoenix.

I just KNOW what’s going to happen once my body stops being useful.

Someone asked me a question: when do you go back for another ceremony? In no time my answer was: why would I? No need! I got the required knowledge. Should I, one day, need to get to know more, Aya will summon me. Now, after the second ceremony I can be certain of saying – Aya will summon me, as she always does.

WE HAVE EXISTED SINCE ALWAYS AND WE STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN BORED