Serial: Doorways Theory
On helplessness
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Our first days in Greece. We live in the basement of a huge old villa surrounded by a lush garden. It's end of May but the temperature sticks around thirty Celsius so it's quite hot. Everywhere something blooms or gives fruit. There is a turtle roaming the garden as well as several dogs and puppies bumming around in the yard. I keep stepping on their ears as they lie down at our feet. An idyll, one might say.

Right

What is RIGHT? What kind of direction in life is THE PROPER ONE? Choosing life based on Workawaying, was a declaration of my helplessness . What the f...ck is the right thing to do when you are forty six, and already tried a lot, most of which turned out stark disappointment? Are these things bad, or maybe there is something inherently WRONG with you, and hence the mess?

Unmarried, without property, debt or children and opposed to most commonly accepted social models, I wanted to discover a satisfying way life for myself and my life's partner, Kasia. And so, with consistency, I swore not to rest until I find it, to keep on traveling, keep working, facing myself and chilling in sofas of the world until I grow my own system. I'll make it one that will not be in any, even slightest opposition to what I hold important and dear. It will not force me, it will not teach me and it will not proselytize. Then only I will say „This is right.” Not earlier. Not based on what other people do or say, what is customary, what gives you power, what men or women do, or what is believed on Facebook.

Well, I already got something for starters. What would you say to peace of mind, healthy diet, nature, good sleep at night and some physical exercise? What about a creative outlet or two? Contact with carefree individuals of (some) likeminded values? Sunlight? Life on the road? Discovering new cultures and weird human pathways?

What was so desirable in this lifestyle, was that it remained unencumbered by pressure to be something one is not. While walking this Earth, I could freely chose to do exclusively that which in my own estimation, remained nourishing and enlivening to my soul. Elisabeth Gilbert reduced it to an essential three: Eat, Pray, Love. I would probably add a one more: Work. But then, didn't she really include this in „Love”?

Well, yes, this was a declaration of helplessness. I was not strong or trying to be strong. And it was not in the least a popular course of action among the majority. Almost everybody had goals. I had goals of my own and obviously was pretty determined to reach them. There was a more nagging question, though, that I faced: how can I pursue my goals and remain a vulnerable and authentic individual? Or, in other words, how can I love myself, while I work (not after)?

Vulnerability

I swear I didn't know. Most if not all of my friends had to compromise here. Vulnerability was considered WRONG when it came to goal-reaching, and most life philosophies controlled it strongly. We might use it, they said, occasionally, when it is safe, but most of the time we need a shield, we need to be rational, we need to be tough, in order to avoid risk. Well, but that castrated the very idea of vulnerability which involved risk by it's very own definition! How could you really be in contact with your truest, most delicate core, the child or, if you will, the genius within, if all you did was trying to be strong, adjust or discipline yourself in reaction to „risk”?

One of the most popular forms of immature „strength” was the ever present absorbtion with the so called „mind-power”.. Numerous determined individuals, under numerous guises tried to build their universe from scratch, to manifest their dreams by the power of sheer good focused thoughts. They went to great lengths to have all the time good thoughts, knowing all to well this will result in them having a good life. In doing this however they forgot about one, very important thing. They opposed what was. They spent their lives sending good vibes of intention towards something they greatly desired, which in itself is a great and noble undertaking. The price they had to pay for that however was that they saw themeselves as warriors. Over and over they did little else but violate their past in the name of the Great Buddha or the Great Dream.

I was no warrior. I was helpless like a child, looking for a path that could accept what I already had rather than deny it or change it with hopes to achieve some greater spiritual Perfection. I did believe I had everything already. I only needed a slight flip in my perception in order to recognize it. And so I set off to learn. How to effortlessly bring about the flip? How to do it without denying anything, without the need to change even the slightest bit of Me, even on the level of energy, even in the areas of intention or consciousness? How to, in other words, trust reality that it already is the only perfect Reality there is – and that it leads me where it should if only I will let it?

While attempting that, I stood helpless against all forced activity. I felt helpless faced by the university education, the need for a career, the improvement, the mindfulness, the NVC, psychology, zen, NLP, female/male circles, ecology, shamanism, politics and social science. The hard work dictated by pure will and logic, and not by the sincerest stirrings of heart, was not my thing. Neither were the popular ideas of building, persistency and focus, passionately proclaimed by whoever was proud of their house, money, job or children. What to do when one becomes so maladjusted, so vehemently antisocial, so, well, plain mad that they cannot move a finger if moving that finger would mean for them anything but deep, nourishing play and fun?

All this RIGHTENESS that created a good citizen, a responsible parent, a contributing member, or even a mind-power expert, was something I could never succeed at. With time I consistently abbandonned any hope I ever would. I met and talked with literally hundreds of people who had the RIGHT kind of life. Being pro-active, pro-family, socially and politically aware, eco, having a passion, a job, friends, being on Facebook, all that didn't appeal to me more than an old pot found on a garbage dump, with a hole and stain of rust. Please forgive me. But this is plain truth.

Well, yes, I used to envy them. I used to try to be like them, and many times, every time failing, every time promising myself this or that. Eventually it reached a spot where I stopped literally any effort towards being RIGHT. I didn't even want to be mentally healthy as psychology describes it. No. I just wanted to be HAPPY, on my own conditions, taking full responsibilty for it. Just to do what I love, nothing else. That was all I knew.

Forgiveness

One of the many problems with the mystical is that you start perceiving everything through the prism of infinite, bone-marrow authenticity. When in heart samadhi this is what you see. Now you come back to your daily hum-drum and you don't know exactly what, you don't know exactly who and where, but you can smell a lie, you can smell it by kilometers. You can smell it not only in others you can smell it also in yourself, you can sniff it everywhere you look, no exceptions. Well, you say, what the hell? These are all good people, trying to live to their best, having families, children, jobs, interests and problems. I am also an ordinary guy, trying to be like them, so why the whole schmuck, whence drama and whats' the big deal?

Nothing special, and especially, nothing wrong with that. Nobody obviously should be criticized for living an ordinary kind of life, one led by almost all humans, and, well, I guess plain inescapable in the world we inhabit. Should „sensitive” consider themselves better just because they glimpse the background of the 3d ? Well, it surely an easy trap to fall into.

But what to do instead? Say you come out of your mystical realm. It happens to you now several times daily, but what the hell, say, you've just come out of one of those. You look around and take a deep breath. Yuk! It feels to you like most you see here is plain junk compared to what you „saw” in the experience. You are so pissed, you are so depressed by all your littleness. And you become really pissed and depressed by the meagreness of almost everybody and everything around. This pissedness can take you years, and it is what repels most straight guys from mysticism. You can't live anymore in this ordinary state after you have seen the alternative. You suffocate at the very thought.

A fun period starts for you, if you dare go there. You find fault with literally everything now. Things are faulty, it's just the way they are. And they are all good people having good lives, sometimes you even admire or envy. But still this feels untrue somehow. You start perceiving people as innocent liars, building golden card houses on moving sands, completely unaware of the Reality (and of course we mean Reality II) that you have just so unwittingly discovered. Well, everybody I guess must find their own way out of that impasse.

The Reality I is imperfect, and that's about all to be said. The Reality II, in turn, is perfect. By seeing both you face the dillemma of accepting this seeming discrepancy as part of Reality itself, of loving both yourself and others unconditionally, i.e. no matter what. Wow, what a task. But this is what the whole business is really about.

It ain't to do nothin' with the sweet and the positive. Like in India or tai chi or somewhere. And it ain't to do nothin' with the enthusiastic or coaching or psychology or New Age or shamanism or buddhism or whatever else from the spiritual supermarket. Nothin'. It's also nothing to do with fashion, Facebook, trends, philosophy, personal power, dancing by pale moonlight, tantric sex or, hanging out with friends by days for all the free time you have. And what is it about? It is all about diving into the ocean of imperfection, once you've seen the Perfection. And then forgiving the whole thing.